I Do the Best I Can. So Why Do I Feel So Guilty?
April 29, 2009
By Tina Games-Evans
When Lisa, a mother of two, had to leave for a week-long business trip, she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. She had made several after-school play dates for her oldest daughter and had taken advantage of the maximum hours at her youngest daughter’s daycare. It was a difficult week for her husband to leave work early, so she had no choice but to rely on other people to fill the voids of childcare for her children.
“I barely enjoyed my trip because I was so worried about the feelings of my girls,” says Lisa. “We had gone over what the schedule would be while I was away, and I could see the anxiety in their eyes. This was a new experience for them. It was especially unfortunate that my trip coincided with a big presentation that my husband had at work. I wanted so badly to cancel my trip, but it was something that I had to do for my job.”
A Universal Mom Problem
Working mothers face these types of challenges all the time. Mixed with the responsibilities they have to their children are the commitments they have to their careers. And they are not alone. Stay-at-home mothers deal with guilt as well.
Amy, a mother of three, recalls, “I typically spend seven days a week, 24 hours a day with my children. I was desperate for a block of time to call my own. I finally gave in to a schedule that included two afternoons a week of babysitting, only to feel guilty about the money spent for the sitter. I had a hard time justifying it since I wasn’t working. I also felt guilty about the time I was spending away from my children.”
Working Through Guilty Emotions
Nearly all mothers have experienced some form of guilt—whether it’s a feeling that they haven’t done enough for their children or a sense of guilt over choosing to do something for themselves without their kids. So, how do mothers work through these emotions?
Gail Kauranen Jones, a life coach for women and author of To Hell and Back…Healing Your Way through Transition, says that guilt is a normal feeling for any mother. “I don’t know one mother who doesn’t feel guilty about the times she thinks she has failed her child. The key is to be able to acknowledge the feeling for what it is and to learn from it. When you let go of the guilt, you can actually be a better, more relaxed mother.”
Society puts a lot of pressure on a woman to do what’s right for the family. This pressure often comes from well-intentioned individuals who don’t fully understand that for a mother to be at her best, she cannot ignore her own needs and desires.
Stephanie, a mother of two, remembers, “During the last trimester of my first pregnancy, my mother and my mother-in law kept reminding me about the benefits of staying home with my daughter; but it was my doctor who convinced me that a happy mother makes the best mother. When I asked myself what would make me happy, the answer was keeping my career. It made me whole. I knew I could be a better mother being a whole person versus half of a person.”
Advice for Working Moms
To ease the guilt of working mothers, Jones recommends:
- Finding a nurturing daycare arrangement that will allow for last-minute emergency care when necessary.
- Developing a support system that includes people who understand your working situation and your desire to do the best job you can with your children.
- Focusing on the positive things that you bring to your family.
- Recognizing that you are an individual with interests and passions beyond your role as a mother.
Laura, a mother of two, decided to keep her job because her family needed the money, but her desire was to be an at-home mother. “I really wanted to spend more time with my children. My job was very stressful, and I was desperate for a break from it. Everyone kept telling me that I’d get bored staying at home, so I decided to pursue a hobby which gave me an identity aside from being a mother. It turned out to be something that I really enjoy doing.”
Stay at Home Moms: Finding Time for You
If you’re home full-time with your kids but need some “me time,” pursuing a hobby as Laura did is a great option. Jones offers the following additional suggestions for stay-at-home mothers who are struggling with guilt:
- Taking time for yourself, away from your children.
- Developing an interest or a passion such as a hobby or volunteer work that’s totally unrelated to your children.
- Rewarding yourself for a job well done.
- Having a support system that gives you important adult interaction when you need it.
Jones reminds us that motherhood is a continual state of transition. Each stage our children encounter brings us to another level of being. We must use the cycles of change for personal growth. “Children admire mothers who pursue a passion or commitment outside of parenting. It makes them proud and helps set them free to express their best selves, too. The older your children become, the more important it is to continually reclaim yourself. Getting lost in your children’s lives serves no one. Model the self-care and independence you are trying to teach them. Mothers are people with needs, too. When we fulfill those needs, we become more fun and loving mothers—without the guilt.”
Giving Ourselves Credit for a Job Well Done
Mothering gets better and better as we become more confident with the choices we make. We must tell ourselves that we’re doing the best we can in every circumstance and allow ourselves the freedom to let go of guilty feelings.
Jones adds, “Lighten up on yourself. Mothers are only one influence on a child’s life. Fathers, grandparents, teachers, friends, babysitters, coaches—can affect a child’s well being, too. Allow your child to benefit from quality time spent with others who care about them. Motherhood is an ongoing state of letting go—loosening the reins and surrendering. Your children will know that you will always do the best you can. Besides, isn’t this a good lesson for them? Do the best you can and that will be enough.”
Tina Games-Evans is a freelance writer, life purpose and creativity coach, and journaling workshop facilitator for women who are challenged by issues related to the loss of personal identity - and who desire a more authentic life, filled with purpose, passion and creative expression. She lives in Alexandria, Virginia, with her husband and their two children.