I’m A Mother. But Who Am I Really?
May 17, 2009
By Tina Games-Evans
When Betty, a good friend of my father’s, asked me at a family wedding, “So what are you doing now?” I completely froze. I had no clue what to say. I was six months pregnant with my second child and had been out of the workforce for two years. I had chosen, for better or worse, to be a stay-at-home mom.
Fortunately for me, Betty sensed my discomfort and chose to rephrase her question, “What would you like to be doing?” Much to my surprise, bells went off in my head and I started rattling off a “to do” list.
After that encounter, it became clear to me that my identity had always been tied into my career. Without it, I didn’t know who I was. I was a mother, but who was I really?
Making the Transition to Motherhood
While many women thrive on their motherhood status and are content with it, others feel a strong need to have a personal identity beyond their roles as moms and struggle with the change to parenthood. It’s sometimes hard to remember that aside from our roles as mothers, we are individuals with interests, passions, and desires—and we must be able to fulfill those needs to be the best mothers—and people—possible.
“Becoming a mother is a huge life transition,” says Gail Kauranen Jones, author of To Hell and Back . . . Healing Your Way Through Transition. “A typical adult transition takes between one and three years before one fully assimilates a new identity. It’s perfectly normal to grieve the life before children and to miss parts of it. And it’s perfectly normal not to be totally fulfilled by one’s children. All of us have a purpose for being here. Motherhood may only be part of our purpose and that is okay.”
Discovering Our Own Worth
Shortly after the birth of my first child, my obstetrician offered this sage piece of advice: “Remember, if Mama ain’t happy, nobody’s happy.” She and I had been discussing my desire to return to work. According to my doctor, it didn’t matter if a mother wanted to work or she wanted to stay at home full time with her children—the most important thing was that it had to be the mother’s choice. “Whichever path you choose, make sure you take care of yourself in the process. Don’t get so consumed with the needs of others that you forget who you are. A happy mother makes the best mother,” she advised.
I followed my doctor’s advice by going back to work; it was something that I wanted to do for myself. Yet my return to work didn’t last long. My son became vulnerable to colds and ear infections, spending the first nine months of his life in and out of his pediatrician’s office and experiencing two overnight stays in the hospital emergency room. It was the outpatient surgery to put tubes in his ears and our pediatrician’s comment—”The best thing for this child is to be at home with his mother”—that made me rethink my choice of returning to work.
I did what many mothers would have done: I gave up my career to stay at home with my son. It worked out fine for the first few months. Then it hit me—as much as I adored my child and loved being his mother, I felt incomplete.
Gail McMeekin, who began her career as a family therapist, has counseled many mothers struggling with issues such as mine related to personal identity. As a career and creativity coach, she has worked with moms who have experienced the challenges of adjusting to “life after baby.” These challenges include loss of self-esteem, confidence, social support, and validation.
“In this society, we get strong messages that to focus on our own needs is selfish and unfeminine, and we get very confused and neglect our own self-care,” says McMeekin. “Women often don’t focus on their own needs until the end of the day when everyone else is taken care of. It is important for mothers to negotiate to have their needs taken seriously as well. But it means letting go of old models and stereotypes and it certainly helps to have a supportive partner.”
Jones reminds us, “There are no standards for what makes ‘a good mother’ and it is impossible to be ‘on’ all the time. A mother should not rely on her children as her sole source of fulfillment. Nor should she base her self-esteem solely on her childrearing abilities. It places way too much pressure on the child and the mother. Mothers have their own unique worth outside of parenting, and each woman should take the time to discover their own worth, independent of their children.” Jones says that by not honoring our true selves, we could face feelings of resentment.
“I have found when women come together in groups and share their true feelings about their transition into motherhood, there is a bonding,” says Jones, who is also a personal coach that leads workshops for new moms. “Women feel relieved to know others have found the transition to be much larger than they anticipated. It is also validating when people share their truths with one another.”
Dealing with Resentment
Right after my son’s second birthday, I found myself secretly resenting my husband’s career. It was hard for me to watch him being recognized and paid for a job well done. It was especially painful when there was no one there to validate the work I was doing as a mother.
“Our society fails to support mothers. We give no recognition for the very valuable work of mothering. This can be hard for new mothers, particularly those who have left the paid work force. The external perks of paychecks and paid vacations are gone. Women need to go within for validation,” explains Jones.
My feelings of resentment prompted me to find volunteer opportunities that allowed me to showcase my talents with the necessary flexibility I needed as a mother. This work provided me the balance that was lacking in my life. It even led me to further my education, lining up bigger and better things for a time when my children were older. Once again, I felt complete.
Getting Support from Other Moms
Based on my own experience, I’ve learned that women can still be good mothers and love our careers, want to further our educations, or pursue hobbies. It’s important for us to keep in mind that what makes one mother happy, might make another miserable—and it’s not fair for us to judge another’s decisions. As mothers, we all make sacrifices for our families. We need encouragement from others who understand our situations.
Jones advises mothers to develop a support system, including a list of ten people they could call on for help. “These ten people can include family members, business acquaintances, friends, neighbors. Mothers should look for support from like-minded others,” says Jones, adding that just because someone is a mother does not mean that she shares your values. “It is better to have one good ‘mother’ friend who you are in sync with than several acquaintances who just happen to have children the same age as yours.”
McMeekin agrees. “Set up a buddy system with another mother or start your own group, even an online group. Read and stay connected with websites for mothers and actively look for supportive resources in your community. Most of all, stay connected to your personal strengths and power, and be sure to take time for yourself away from the family.”
Tina Games-Evans is a freelance writer, life purpose and creativity coach, and journaling workshop facilitator for women who are challenged by issues related to the loss of personal identity - and who desire a more authentic life, filled with purpose, passion and creative expression. She lives in Alexandria, Virginia, with her husband and their two children.
I Do the Best I Can. So Why Do I Feel So Guilty?
April 29, 2009
By Tina Games-Evans
When Lisa, a mother of two, had to leave for a week-long business trip, she felt an overwhelming sense of guilt. She had made several after-school play dates for her oldest daughter and had taken advantage of the maximum hours at her youngest daughter’s daycare. It was a difficult week for her husband to leave work early, so she had no choice but to rely on other people to fill the voids of childcare for her children.
“I barely enjoyed my trip because I was so worried about the feelings of my girls,” says Lisa. “We had gone over what the schedule would be while I was away, and I could see the anxiety in their eyes. This was a new experience for them. It was especially unfortunate that my trip coincided with a big presentation that my husband had at work. I wanted so badly to cancel my trip, but it was something that I had to do for my job.”
A Universal Mom Problem
Working mothers face these types of challenges all the time. Mixed with the responsibilities they have to their children are the commitments they have to their careers. And they are not alone. Stay-at-home mothers deal with guilt as well.
Amy, a mother of three, recalls, “I typically spend seven days a week, 24 hours a day with my children. I was desperate for a block of time to call my own. I finally gave in to a schedule that included two afternoons a week of babysitting, only to feel guilty about the money spent for the sitter. I had a hard time justifying it since I wasn’t working. I also felt guilty about the time I was spending away from my children.”
Working Through Guilty Emotions
Nearly all mothers have experienced some form of guilt—whether it’s a feeling that they haven’t done enough for their children or a sense of guilt over choosing to do something for themselves without their kids. So, how do mothers work through these emotions?
Gail Kauranen Jones, a life coach for women and author of To Hell and Back…Healing Your Way through Transition, says that guilt is a normal feeling for any mother. “I don’t know one mother who doesn’t feel guilty about the times she thinks she has failed her child. The key is to be able to acknowledge the feeling for what it is and to learn from it. When you let go of the guilt, you can actually be a better, more relaxed mother.”
Society puts a lot of pressure on a woman to do what’s right for the family. This pressure often comes from well-intentioned individuals who don’t fully understand that for a mother to be at her best, she cannot ignore her own needs and desires.
Stephanie, a mother of two, remembers, “During the last trimester of my first pregnancy, my mother and my mother-in law kept reminding me about the benefits of staying home with my daughter; but it was my doctor who convinced me that a happy mother makes the best mother. When I asked myself what would make me happy, the answer was keeping my career. It made me whole. I knew I could be a better mother being a whole person versus half of a person.”
Advice for Working Moms
To ease the guilt of working mothers, Jones recommends:
- Finding a nurturing daycare arrangement that will allow for last-minute emergency care when necessary.
- Developing a support system that includes people who understand your working situation and your desire to do the best job you can with your children.
- Focusing on the positive things that you bring to your family.
- Recognizing that you are an individual with interests and passions beyond your role as a mother.
Laura, a mother of two, decided to keep her job because her family needed the money, but her desire was to be an at-home mother. “I really wanted to spend more time with my children. My job was very stressful, and I was desperate for a break from it. Everyone kept telling me that I’d get bored staying at home, so I decided to pursue a hobby which gave me an identity aside from being a mother. It turned out to be something that I really enjoy doing.”
Stay at Home Moms: Finding Time for You
If you’re home full-time with your kids but need some “me time,” pursuing a hobby as Laura did is a great option. Jones offers the following additional suggestions for stay-at-home mothers who are struggling with guilt:
- Taking time for yourself, away from your children.
- Developing an interest or a passion such as a hobby or volunteer work that’s totally unrelated to your children.
- Rewarding yourself for a job well done.
- Having a support system that gives you important adult interaction when you need it.
Jones reminds us that motherhood is a continual state of transition. Each stage our children encounter brings us to another level of being. We must use the cycles of change for personal growth. “Children admire mothers who pursue a passion or commitment outside of parenting. It makes them proud and helps set them free to express their best selves, too. The older your children become, the more important it is to continually reclaim yourself. Getting lost in your children’s lives serves no one. Model the self-care and independence you are trying to teach them. Mothers are people with needs, too. When we fulfill those needs, we become more fun and loving mothers—without the guilt.”
Giving Ourselves Credit for a Job Well Done
Mothering gets better and better as we become more confident with the choices we make. We must tell ourselves that we’re doing the best we can in every circumstance and allow ourselves the freedom to let go of guilty feelings.
Jones adds, “Lighten up on yourself. Mothers are only one influence on a child’s life. Fathers, grandparents, teachers, friends, babysitters, coaches—can affect a child’s well being, too. Allow your child to benefit from quality time spent with others who care about them. Motherhood is an ongoing state of letting go—loosening the reins and surrendering. Your children will know that you will always do the best you can. Besides, isn’t this a good lesson for them? Do the best you can and that will be enough.”
Tina Games-Evans is a freelance writer, life purpose and creativity coach, and journaling workshop facilitator for women who are challenged by issues related to the loss of personal identity - and who desire a more authentic life, filled with purpose, passion and creative expression. She lives in Alexandria, Virginia, with her husband and their two children.